Page 39 - All India Magazine Feb-2025

But whenever there was unpleasantness with my relatives,
with playmates or friends, I would feel all the nastiness or bad will
— all sorts of pretty ugly things that came (I was rather sensitive,
for I instinctively nurtured an ideal of beauty and harmony, which
all the circumstances of life kept denying)... so whenever I felt sad,
I was most careful not to say anything to my mother or father, be-
cause my father didn't give a hoot and my mother would scold me
— that was always the first thing she did. And so I would go to my
room and sit down in my little armchair, and there I could concen-
trate and try to understand... in my own way. And I remember that
after quite a few probably fruitless attempts I wound up telling
myself (I always used to talk to myself; I don't know why or how,
but I would talk to myself just as I talked to others): "Look here,
you feel sad because so-and-so said something really disgusting
to you — but why does that make you cry? Why are you so sad?
He's the one who was bad, so he should be crying. You didn't do
anything bad to him.... Did you tell him nasty things? Did you fight
with her, or with him? No, you didn't do anything, did you; well
then, you needn't feel sad. You should only be sad if you've done
something bad, but...." So that settled it: I would never cry. With
just a slight inward movement, or "something" that said, "You've
done no wrong," there was no sadness.
But there was another side to this "someone": it was watching
me more and more, and as soon as I said one word or made one
gesture too many, had one little bad thought, teased my brother
or whatever, the smallest thing, it would say (Mother takes on a
severe tone), "Look out, be careful!" At first I used to moan about
it, but by and by it taught me: " Don't lament — put right, mend."
And when things could be mended — as they almost always could
— I would do so. All that on a five to seven-year-old child's scale of
intelligence.
The Mother: Conversation with a Disciple, July 25, 1962

All India Magazine, February 2025 39